i haven't really processed last week beyond little lines here and there about how i miss that space. but one, i miss that space! so much! the deep history, the energy, this focus about dancing and singing as inherent to revolution.
there were so many great energies in the room radiating with light and love and it felt amazing to be in everyone's presence. tufara, ebony, leticia, among many others were very nurturing and talked about changing the world in ways indescribable but it felt right. these energies and this week really made me think about the interactions i had with those trans* POC coming to defend whiteness in my inbox a few days before my traveling took place. it made me think about how i've never been one for intense and consistent hate mail and i think i lost myself in trying to entertain those things. and i forget that i believe in the inherent goodness of all people – their ability to transform, change, and unite. and while i am often deeply annoyed with the countless white people that aggressively come into my space to complain about the rightful anger displayed at them for demanding that POC unpack their privilege for them entirely, part of me has become ashamed at some of the interactions i've had with anonymous white people on the internet - not because i don't think they shouldn't get a talkin' to but when did the fuck did i stop meeting people half way? when did the fuck did i stop meeting people where they're at? i had become entirely consumed by this online tumblr culture mob mentality which is entire misaligned from my work ethics and practices when i enter tangible places to develop action plans, tactics, and strategies. and this has all taken a serious toll on me. i don't think that it's healthy for my spirit and for the work i have ahead of me and my week of highlander made me open up to that truth a little more. i think if i would've posted this on tumblr right now then someone would bite my head off and tell me that i'm sipping on whiteness... and i think that's another thing that has been bothering me a lot lately; how tumblr is such a stagnant place not meant for people who are moving beyond issue to focus on solutions - that's not to disregard the work people do via online communities.
i feel like i've been recentered and i have to take my own feelings more seriously, that i have to take my interactions with other human beings more seriously and not engage in wreckless, getting me nowhere, tumblr anon engagement that isn't reflective of my whole self. i was tempted to just write again that this doesn't mean i'm "sipping on whiteness" but the consistent affirmation is not needed because i know what i need to do and i know who i am as an active proponent against whiteness and white supremacy in this society.
at highlander we did a few affirmation activities - affirming each other and ourselves, pairing up with people and telling them that we /see/ them. i cried and most of these activities because something shook inside of me - i knew i was missing this stuff because i have not made my wellness and the wellness of others an inherent part of transformation and need to start doing that. i need to start taking better care of myself and better care of those i care about and actively display my light and love so we can all guide each other home. i also need to remember that i'm a young person and i need not burn out before i hit 25 because you can't clock back in after that.
during my time there i also recognized a few things that were keeping me from leading a better life and one of those things unfortunately included an LGBTQ organization that helped me out in some of my lowest points... the first organization to affirm my trans* identity... and much more... but i feel overgrown and distanced from it now. i feel like it's not a safe space for me and for who i aim to be. and it's unhealthy because i feel obligated to this space, i feel pressured to be there, and haven't been there since may. i love a few people there deeply (or maybe just 1) and i hope to continue this relationship with them because they are important to me but my days there are done. phew. that was tough to write.
i also developed a camp crush (shhhh!) who just so fucking badass and ugh. let me stop. LOL.
seeds of fire forced me to think critically and be honest with myself about how the organization i'm involved with is functioning - whether or not we're moving and how we need to continue to work to be better. there are definitely some structural things that we need to come to terms with to solve the many, many disputes we have about insiders and outsiders, about leadership and participation. and we need to have some serious conversations about whether or not we're a safe space for everyone and we aren't. i'm out to no one as trans* while most know that i'm queer. many of our organizers are constantly under male gaze and there's just a lot of shit that needs to unpack. we're doing a retreat in august and will be having those conversations then and i hope it changes the dynamics of our group for the better.
my desire to make art and culture important and inherent to our work has been rejuvenated and i feel ashamed that we never made those active parts of our work to begin with. we organize in culturally rich and relevant places but we don't do cultural organizing and that's just bad. i'm excited about our future, it looks bright.
someone told me before going to highlander that it is a life changing experience and i think it is. i plan on doing an internship there next year before i transfer to hunter college.
i'm still so full of energy and have added many of these folks on facebook to continue engaging in their knowledge and power building so i continue to be full and refilled.
i think there's still a lot that i haven't mentioned but this is all i have for now.